2010/01/21 00:00:00
By Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan
For most families, the New Year brings fond memories of family get-togethers and long-held traditions. For some, the family time can be bittersweet: Susan is angry at her brother for his unwillingness to share caregiving duties for their mother, while Dan is frustrated with his sister’s inability to recognize their father needs to be placed in a nursing home, etcetera.
Caregivers of elder parents are apt to experience disagreements with family members. It’s not uncommon for the added burden of making decisions for a parent or elder family member to escalate conflict and lead to arguments and resentment within a family.
The most common issues that lead to conflict are decisions about health care, financial matters, living arrangements, communication, responsibility, household care and maintenance, and support for caregivers. Overcoming these concerns can be even more difficult if there are new or long-standing family-relationship issues.
The first step toward resolving family strife is to remember not all family members can be supportive or involved in the care of their parents. Before anger and resentment take over, proactively discuss plans and roles and clarify with each of your brothers and sisters what roles they are willing and able to perform.
Here are some tips for dealing with difficult siblings:
- If they try to argue, resist the temptation to jump in and join the argument.
- Stay calm and listen objectively to what they are trying to say.
- Ask questions to determine their true concerns and problems.
- Ask yourself if their problem is your problem. If it isn’t, walk away.
- Develop a specific statement that describes your goals for caring for your parent and keep repeating it.
- Focus on providing the best care for your parent.
- Set priorities that will keep you on track to avoid getting caught up in family drama.
- Always acknowledge what is best for you, your parent, and your family.
For those who cannot or choose not to be involved, continue to keep them informed about what is happening and upcoming plans. Having regular family conferences by phone or in person will keep miscommunication and misunderstandings to a minimum. Try to have key family members participate at least monthly. Keep conversations factual and short, and follow the tips above to make the conference productive.
Ask for help when you need it, and be specific about your expectations. Identify family members who would be the most responsive, and approach them first. If your parent is able to speak on his or her own behalf, a request from your parent might elicit a more positive response from your siblings.
Friends can be just as important as family and might be willing to play a role; you won’t know unless you ask. Also, friends can act as an objective third party to help defuse family disagreements. At the least, they can provide a sounding board for your concerns and frustrations.
If family disagreements cannot be resolved, you might have to resort to professional counseling. Your local mental health association or the Alzheimer’s Association can provide you with a list of family counselors.
For more information on dealing with difficult family members, visit www.caregiver.org.
About the Author: Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan is an adult nurse practitioner and professional consultant. She is a featured speaker at national professional conferences and writes about geriatrics for multiple publications.
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Copyright Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan and Military Officers Association of America. All rights reserved.
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Colonel Novak |
2/11/2010 12:44:49 PM |
Good info, and confirm the value of conference calls as needed to discuss care and financial decisions. Great way for dispersed siblings to talk through concerns, assign tasks and keep all on the same page.
