| Filling Your Empty Nest |
By Jennifer O. Bryant |
Are you listening?
Regardless of the issue at hand -- whether it's as major as a career change or as seemingly trivial as whose turn it is to do the laundry -- underlying the conversation may be personal insecurities or concerns about the relationship. Many of us aren't good at sharing these feelings, and big issues don't get addressed. These issues, which often go unexpressed, can fuel conflict.
One of the hardest things to do, say the Arps, is to listen -- really listen -- to your partner, without criticizing or thinking more about how you're going to respond than about what's actually being said. Key to overcoming many relationship problems is learning to be a good listener. A well-known technique for improving listening skills is called active listening or, in the Arps' parlance, the speaker-listener technique.
The technique is simple, although it may be challenging to put into practice. One person is the designated speaker. The other is the listener. The speaker strives to express ideas and feelings clearly and without accusations. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, you should say, "When you forgot about our dinner reservations, I felt hurt and unimportant," instead of, "You're so forgetful and insensitive."
The listener responds to each statement by restating what was said. Doing so shows the speaker he or she was heard and allows them to clarify any misunderstood or overlooked points. The exchange continues until the speaker is satisfied the listener understands his or her point of view, at which time they switch roles.
Warning signsSome marital issues may require counseling. How does a couple know it's time to seek outside help?
The Arps have identified four red flag behaviors that indicate serious problems with conflict and communication. All of us do these from time to time, but if they're commonplace in your marriage to the point conflict overrules effective communication, it may be time to seek help.
1. Escalation of anger. A minor disagreement quickly turns into a major battle, which usually involves one of the four main problem areas -- getting along, physical aspects, outside relationships, and finances.
2. Avoidance and unwillingness to deal with issues. One partner may try to get the other to talk, and the avoiding partner ends the discussion by leaving the room or the house.
3. Invalidation. One partner may criticize or belittle a partner's concerns or feelings.
4. Negative interpretation. A partner takes the other's statements more critically than they were intended.
Although the active listening technique can be helpful in dealing with these issues, spouses who find themselves unable to overcome them are advised to seek further help.
Empty nest strategiesThe term "empty nest" itself connotes loss. In truth, however, many couples find the kids leaving home heralds an exciting new stage of life.
"Look at it as an adventure," advise the Arps. "Celebrate these and other milestones and transitions."
As you and your spouse seek to redefine your marriage sans kids, "Be flexible. Be willing to try new things," say the Arps. The old, familiar routines may no longer fit your lives, and perhaps it's time to rethink the household division of labor or to embark on a new adventure.
As you're trying those new things, let go of the past. Accepting the mistakes you've made and your partner's faults can be difficult, but if you're willing to let go, you may find you have newfound energy with which to focus on the future.
Although you want to reinvigorate your lives, don't rush to change for change's sake. Give yourselves time to adjust to a major transition before you make any significant decisions.
Find activities you and your spouse enjoy doing together; but give each other some space as well. If you like to golf but she would rather do yoga, fine. It's OK to pursue separate passions.
Above all, especially in stressful times, "Make your marriage relationship your anchor," the Arps say. "Don't wear your marriage out."
| Resources |
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Want more information on dealing with the empty nest or other marital issues? These organizations can help.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy www.aamft.org 112 South Alfred St. Alexandria, VA 22314-3061 (703) 838-9808 Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, L.L.C.: www.smartmarriages.com 5490 Belt Road, N.W. Washington, DC 20015-1961 (202) 362-3332 Marriage Alive International Inc. www.marriagealive.com (888) 690-6667 Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) www.prepinc.com P.O. Box 102530 Denver, CO 80250 (800) 366-0166 |