2008/12/29 08:00:00
Finding support
A missing piece
An array of reactions
Learning to cope
Seeking help for grief
By Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan
Becky Roberts, a 53-year-old insurance agent and military brat, lost both her parents under very different circumstances. Her father died of cancer after many months of painful treatments and hospitalization; her mother was killed in an automobile accident nine years later.
Roberts’ reactions to the loss of her parents were as different as the circumstances of their deaths. She was her father’s favorite child and closer to him than to her mother — who she describes as controlling and harshly critical.
“I was in a daze for months after my father died,” says Roberts. “If I saw an older man who looked like him, my heart would skip a beat. But after the initial shock of my mother’s death, there was almost a deep sense of peaceful relief.”
Finding support
According to the National Hospice Association (NHA), a quarter of today’s 50-year-olds already have lost their mother, and half have lost their father. As more and more baby boomers reach middle age, a new generation of adult orphans is just around the corner.
Adult orphans often face other challenges in addition to the loss of their parents. Adding to Roberts’ burden was the response of her sister, who completely withdrew and was able to provide neither physical nor emotional support for her during the grieving process.
“It was exhausting,” Roberts recalls. “I had to be strong for her, as well as for my own children, and as a result, had little time for my own grief. I remember walking through it all as if I were a character in some bizarre play.”
Roberts says her father’s military career, which kept him away from his family for extended periods, helped prepare her for long bouts of separation, but she still finds the permanent loss of her parents painful. To get through it, she has turned to her husband, spiritual beliefs, and new family traditions.
Most individuals recognize their parents will die before they do. However, when the event actually occurs, the response can be life-altering. Dr. Alexander Levy, in his book The Orphaned Adult (Da Capo Press, 2000), notes, “At a minimum, parental death in mid-life elicits lingering feelings of loneliness, memories of former losses, unresolved conflicts, and doubts concerning life’s purpose.”
A missing piece
According to NHA experts, to understand the unique grieving response of orphaned adults, it is essential to understand the relationship they had with their parents. In most cases, parents were the most influential and powerful people in an adult child’s life, so a parent’s death might mean the loss of someone whose advice was valued and from whom approval was sought. The directions, guidance, and security parents might have offered also are gone forever. There are some other consequences as well:
- When parents die, a special relationship that exists only between parents and children is severed. No one else, including spouses, children, or friends, can love you in the same way your parents did.
- The death of a parent brings with it the loss of ties to childhood because parents served as witnesses to an individual’s personal history. It was they who knew their child’s earliest experiences and memories. If those memories were not recorded, that part of family history disappears with them.
- A buffer between an adult child and death is removed when parents die. As the now oldest generation of your family, you face your own mortality. You are tasked with keeping the family traditions and legacy intact.
“There is an acute awareness of the fragility of life when you are the oldest layer in your family,” observes Roberts.
An array of reactions
The age at which parents die and the circumstances surrounding their deaths also can influence the grieving response. If a parent dies when he or she is elderly, it might be viewed as “a blessing” or dismissed by others as “the end of a good life.” This can be misconstrued as a reason not to grieve, which is erroneous. Grieving is a natural healing process no matter at what age a parent dies.
If the parent-child relationship was strained or abusive, happiness or relief might replace grief. There also might be unresolved issues that can lead to guilt and remorse, and the emotions tied to these circumstances can heighten the grieving process. In some cases, the death of a parent might be a catalyst for increased tension among remaining family members, leading to arguments, a lack of support from siblings, or even the break up of family units.
However, the death of a parent also can bring positive feelings. If the death has been long, painful, or lingering from a chronic illness or dementia, a sense of relief that the parent’s suffering is over is a natural reaction.
For many families, a financial reward might be associated with the death of both parents. In most cases, the estate is shared among the remaining children and might be sufficient to pay off debts, buy a new home, or finance a child’s college education.
“The death of your parents can be the best thing that ever happens to you,” confirms Dr. Jeanne Safer, a psychotherapist in New York, in her recent book Death Benefits (Basic Books, 2008), an informational memoir of her 30 years as a therapist.
“I think some of the most common responses are the grief cycle, anger, and some form of relief,” says Dr. Debra Warner, associate professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. “The most salient responses are a sense of abandonment, reflection on your own mortality, and a feeling of needing to be a true grown-up.”
Warner also notes some individuals will begin to reevaluate their own lives and perhaps change careers, divorce a spouse, or reveal hidden details about their past they were unable to share when their parents were alive.
Learning to cope
But no matter the response, Warner says, there are many coping techniques anyone can use to help them through the grieving process. Foremost is an understanding of what to expect when a parent dies, followed by the time to vent and coming to grips with emotions. A grieving individual always should talk through important decisions to make sure logic, not emotion, is swaying the response. Other helpful tips include:
- Resist the temptation to dismiss the death as timely or inevitable.
- Allow time in your personal schedule to grieve.
- Work at keeping communication open between yourself and siblings, your spouse, your children, and other family members.
- Have one or two close friends you can use as a sounding board.
- Utilize professionals such as physicians, clergy, counselors, and funeral directors.
- Do something to memorialize your parents. Plant a tree, write a poem, create a scrapbook, or place a memorial marker in your garden.
- Draw on your faith and resources to sustain you.
Seeking help for grief
As the baby boomer population grows, the need for an increased awareness of the special needs of orphaned adults is growing as well. Support groups targeting motherless daughters and adult orphans have sprung up in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Providence, R.I. Although the American Psychological Association does not officially recognize adult orphan syndrome, practicing psychologists are acutely aware of the needs of orphaned adults and more resources for professionals and the public are becoming available to help baby boomers with this difficult life transition.
For example, Genesis Bereavement Services, a national funeral home chain, has developed books, pamphlets, and DVDs that address all aspects of the grieving process. Their “Growing Through Grief” series has specific materials for adult orphans.
Grieving is not forgetting. Parents continue to live through the values they instilled in their children and in the place they hold in their children’s hearts and minds.
Copyright Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan and Military Officers Association of America. All rights reserved.
