Role Reversal — Moving Your Parents In

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12 Reviews

2010/05/25 00:00:00

By Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan

As you’ve watched your parents age, perhaps you’ve struggled with one or more of the following scenarios: during a surprise visit with your parents, you discover the refrigerator is almost empty, and they can’t tell you the last time they went shopping; you get a call that your mother has misplaced her checkbook —again — and has many overdue bills; you find your father is forgetting to take prescribed medication; your mother is getting lost while driving in the same neighborhood she’s called home for decades.

After weeks and months of putting out one situational fire after another, you might find yourself considering what, at first, seems like a simple solution —your parent will move in with you and your family.

However, this decision is actually more complex than you might think. Before finalizing plans to move your parent, consider what you will and will not be able to do for him or her, and develop a strategy for how necessary care will be provided. Here are some suggestions from the Family Caregiving Alliance:

• Evaluate whether your parent needs constant supervision or assistance throughout the day and how this will be provided. 
• Determine which activities of daily living your parent can perform independently. 
• Determine your comfort level with providing personal care such as bathing or changing adult diapers. 
• Evaluate your health and physical abilities, and decide if you are able to actually provide care for your parents. 
• Expect changes in your parents’ medical and cognitive condition. 
• Explore the availability of services such as in-home care and adult day care. 
• Investigate backup long-term arrangements if living with your parents does not work out. 
• Determine the type of medical care your parent needs and whether it is available in your community.

Positive and negative feelings about your parent and other family members play a part in your decision as well. Be honest with yourself, and do not allow unresolved family conflicts or feelings of guilt or obligation to pressure your decision. Most importantly: 

• Be honest with yourself and other family members about the significant life changes that relocating your parent will mean for you, your parent, your siblings, your spouse, and your children. 
• Try to come to terms with past disagreements between you and your parent. 
• When deciding to move your parent into your home, consider the opinions of your spouse, children, siblings, and other family members. 
• Come to an agreement with your siblings regarding how much and what kind of help you will receive from them.

An open and honest discussion with your parent and other family members is an essential first step when deciding whether relocation is the best choice for your parent. Family meetings allow everyone to share his or her views and opinions and can help you decide how best to proceed.

Although some discussions might be very difficult and emotional, you still need to go over the basics. You and your parent, together with your family, should discuss each person’s role in the transition, the type of care to be provided, changes in lifestyle, finances, and any physical renovations that need to be made to your home. Maintaining open communication between all family members will build a strong support system that will aid everyone with this difficult transition.

For more information about moving a parent, visit www.caregiver.org.

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About the Author: Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan is an adult nurse practitioner and professional consultant. She is a featured speaker at national professional conferences and writes about geriatrics for multiple publications.

Have a topic you would like to see covered in Role Reversal? Send your ideas and suggestions to rolereversal@moaa.org.

Copyright Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan and Military Officers Association of America. All rights reserved.

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Major Jeffrey

6/7/2010 1:22:11 PM

Major Jeffrey My Mother became afraid of everything and continued to bruise herself by bumping into things. I have four sisters Myself and oldest Sister started caring for Mom when she was 86. My sister died of Cancer and the next one in line shared the duty with me.My wife was the greatest asst one ever had

Major Hoey

6/2/2010 9:35:14 PM

My mother lived with for six winters. She had a great neighbor who took care of her house. When we found out she was afraid living alone in her house, we moved her in permanently. There were plenty of problems, but we were able to deal with them as loving, caring adult children. My wife was great! She was not near her mother when she needed help and she directed all that caring to my mom. Mom insisted on paying rent, although we asked for none. She stayed four more years until she fell and fractured her knee. She went into rehab and a nursing home. We visited her daily except when we were out of town. She died on Thanksgiving Day, 2006. Looking back both my wife and I are grateful we took advantage of the wonderful opportunity we had. Neither my brother nor my sister had the advantage of such a close relationship with our mother. We would absolutely do it again.

Vaughn Caine

6/2/2010 6:23:32 PM

Even though there would probably be some conflict, all we have in this world in the end is our families. So, I would resoect them and love them - - - which I did before they passed. And, NO, it was not easy.

Colonel Arthur

6/2/2010 5:00:14 PM

LT Col Arthur My sister and I took care of my 98 year old mother at her home, 85 miles from ours, for about one year. We alternated every 3 days. We had help from the visiting nurses. I can appreciate the discussions with family regarding types of support needed. My sister was widowed living alone, while I was retired living with m y wife so each 3 day separation was more difficult for me.Would I do it again absolutely.

Commander Danner

6/2/2010 3:39:16 PM

My Mom lived with us for 3 years, my elderly cousin for over two, and one aunt for over five years. In addition my wife and I paid for full time nursing care for my grandmother and another aunt so that they could remain in their homes. We additionally paid off the mortgage of an old friend who had been taken advantage of by his granddaughter and owed $20,000 on a mortgage and was facing a nursing home. The hardest of these was my elderly cousin - he was in his late eighties, had muscular dystrophy, was in a wheelchair, was deaf, and was blind in one eye. He was also extremely bigoted and vocal and loud. We still took him and my Mom and other aunt to event regularly, at least monthly, and out to eat at least once a week. This can be a tremendous burden and my net worth would be at least several hundred thousand more if we hadn't done this (I am now a widower), but I would do it again. What goes around comes around. This is the way I was raised, we had elderly relatives living with us and other family members did also. The idea now of using nursing homes is just plain wrong - would you want that for yourself. The only time that this can be right was told me by a dear friend of mine, Dewry T. Hugehes. He said, Bill, I have taken care of my dad for years but I put him in a nursing home last week, he was extremely senile and violent and had no idea who I was, I did this "Not because I did not love my Dad, but so I could continue to love my Dad." When it gets to that point, then you have done all you can - but Drewry still visited his dad everyday, even if he didn't know him. The old days were the good old days in many ways - this is one of them. I just got done taking care of my wife at home for a year, she passed 17 days ago. I would not have changed that decision for anything. I would hated to have had a call in the middle of the evening that my wife had died. N0 - this is your time to sacrifice, we are taken care of when we are young - when those around us are elderly, then it is our turn.

Commander Danner

6/2/2010 3:38:57 PM

Captain Perez

6/2/2010 3:11:01 PM

I have gone beyond this situation. My mother died a few years ago after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My Dad took care of her for about two years until she got worse.After my mother died, Dad lived by himself for 15 years refusing to go live with my sister who had been wanting to take care of him ever since Mom died. Dad considered moving to California with her and her husband, but liked the convenience of having the VA hospital just two miles from home (San Antonio). After my sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only ten months to live, he agreed to come down to South Texas where I live. However, at 87, he still wanted his independence and preferred to live in an apartment two blocks away from us. He died two years later, but I can say that it was a blessing taking care of him those last two years. My wife and I had him over often for lunch, for dinner for birthday parties, etc. We would take him out at times to go eat out or to go shopping or to the park. My wife or I would take him to the doctor for his regular visits. I would visit him twice a day: after work (high school teacher) and late in the evening. I especially enjoyed the quiet times late at night when we would share our thoughts about a multitude of topics from the war in Iraq/Afghanistan to old times, family members long gone. I shall always treasure those beautiful moments.

Colonel Rodgers

6/2/2010 3:05:22 PM

Commander Speer: Your words are eloquent and inspiring. God bless you for the loving care you have provided to your mother-in-law and the example you have been for others.

Colonel Parlatore

6/2/2010 3:01:12 PM

My 94 year old mother moved in with me after my first wife died. Mom is in great health however needs a walker to get around. Still sharp as a tack. About two years later I married again. My second wife is a saint to take care of my mother the way she does. Is it hard - you bet, however, my second wife knew that Mom was a part of my life and accepted it. My wife and I have given up a lot to bring Mom into our home, especially my wife. Was it the right thing to do - yes!

Captain Perez

6/2/2010 2:31:53 PM

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