IN THIS STORY:
>Are they gone or aren't they?
>Common empty nest challenges
>Are you listening?
>Warning signs
>Empty nest strategies

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The house was so quiet you could hear the clock ticking on the mantel. Since the children left home -- one for college and the other for a job in town and an apartment with his live-in girlfriend -- no longer were the evenings filled with telephones ringing, doors slamming, and stereos blaring. It was quiet and peaceful -- just what they'd yearned for during the hectic and stressful teenage years. So why did the silence now seem so suffocating?

Welcome to what's known as the empty nest years. Less tied down, many parents enjoy traveling and reconnecting as a couple. Others, however, discover they miss being parents more than they'd expected. Some find themselves confronting marital issues that for years took a backseat to the demands of child rearing.

Coupled with the career and lifestyle changes that military families face as service careers draw to a close, the prospect of the empty nest warrants some preparation and planning. Here are a few tips that can help ease the transition.

"They come back; just be ready," warns Lt. Joe Kenneth Eshleman USN-Ret., of Goodyear, Ariz., who learned an empty nest might not always stay that way. Son Jerry, who had dropped out of college to join the Army, surprised his father and mother, Giala, by announcing four years later he'd had enough of military life and wanted to return to school.

Trouble was, the Eshlemans had spent his college savings on a swimming pool and a home remodel. Their son was "somewhat bent out of shape," his father recalls wryly.

The Eshlemans regrouped and managed to put their son through college. Later, after a romantic breakup, he moved back home, straining family ties. The living arrangement finally ended, Joe Eshleman says, when his wife told their son, "I'm going to be 50, and I don't want a 30-year-old son living at home."

The nest then emptied for a second time.

"Then it hits you," Joe Eshleman says. "They are really gone. What do we do now?"

Eshleman admits, "We didn't deal with it very well." In an attempt to remain close to their daughter, Natalie, and their grandchildren, he and his wife moved to Oklahoma where she lived. The Eshlemans stayed in Oklahoma for six years, but eventually packed up because they found, "We had a better relationship with her when we were 1,000 miles away than when we were 40 miles away."

You can't guarantee the kids won't surprise you the way Jerry Eshleman did his parents, but you can anticipate and develop strategies for some of the most common empty nest-related issues.

Husband-and-wife team David and Claudia Arp, founders and directors of Marriage Alive International in Knoxville, Tenn., and coauthors of the book Empty Nesting: Reinventing Your Marriage When the Kids Leave Home (Jossey-Bass, 2002), know about military life. David Arp was an Army brat and served in the Army, as did their son, Jarrett.

According to the Arps, empty nesters face several big issues once their children leave home. Oftentimes, parents may find themselves playing second fiddle behind spouses and children, which is normal and natural.

The Eshlemans learned this lesson the hard way. Although being near loved ones remains important to them -- they have family in the Phoenix area where they live now -- they "have learned to do all the things we like to do that don't revolve around our kids." They also have learned to be less demanding when it comes to their children's time.

Many empty nesters find themselves torn between the needs of aging parents and adult children. If you're a member of the "sandwich generation," (see sidebar for more), there are no easy solutions.

You're not alone, however. Help is available from state or county offices on aging, say the Arps. Or, check the human services listings in your phone book. Many agencies and organizations can help if an adult child is struggling with such problems as substance abuse or single parenthood.

After the nest empties, a stay-at-home mom may go back to school, reenter the work force, or pursue a dream long deferred. One spouse's career may take off just as the other's is winding down. In the case of a military family, the scenario may become even more complicated as the retiring officer transitions to a second career. Suddenly, both partners find themselves starting afresh. Finances, which may have been relatively worry free during the active duty years, now may become an issue with both wage earners on the bottom rungs of their respective career ladders.

The marriages that are best equipped to survive these challenges are the ones that are "more partner focused than military or child focused," say the Arps, who not surprisingly recommend couples in such situations consider enrolling in a marriage course.

Other marital issues also may need to be addressed. In their "Second Half of Marriage" survey, the Arps asked middle-aged spouses to identify their primary marital issues. The top four problem areas were:

1. Getting along (communication, conflict, and friendship)
2. Physical aspects (sex, health, and fun)
3. Outside relationships (family and friends)
4. Finances (career, money, and retirement)

(Bear in mind that "conflict" does not refer to domestic violence, which is never acceptable. Any spouse who feels threatened is urged to seek immediate assistance from the authorities as well as from social services and counselors.)

Given that many of the couples surveyed had been married for multiple decades, it may seem surprising that communication and conflict top the list of problems. Over the years, however, patterns of relating are formed that can be difficult to change.

For example, couples who think, "Here we go again," when bickering are engaging in a familiar pattern of relating. After several decades of marriage, beliefs and expectations about each other, and life in general, are well established, and couples tend to go into automatic-pilot mode when familiar issues rear their ugly heads.

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