January 11, 2012
The definition of domestic abuse
The signs of domestic abuse
Finding help
Important resources
By Janet Farley
January is a busy month. We start
by celebrating New Year’s Day and work our way to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s
birthday. On the home front, winter recess ends, and the kids go back to school.
Lighter workloads disappear. Bills from holiday shopping sprees start appearing
in mailboxes. And, for many this year, the real work of reunion and
reintegration begins after long and/or multiple deployments.
As the glittery glow of the
holidays is replaced by sometimes-stressful realities, it’s a good time to
review the finer points of domestic abuse recognition and prevention.
The definition of domestic abuse
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH)
domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship
that is used to gain or maintain power over an intimate partner.
Domestic violence is an equal
opportunity crime. It happens to those who wear the uniform and to those who
don’t. People of all socioeconomic backgrounds are affected. It doesn’t matter
how much money you earn or what rank your servicemember spouse holds. Your
educational level, your profession, the color of your skin, and the religion
you choose to practice or not is irrelevant, too. Your age and where you were
born and raised don’t matter, either.
Anyone can be a victim, but women
are more likely to be victims than men.
According to the CDC, one in four
women and one in nine men in the U.S. are victims of domestic violence at some
point in their lives. Six in 10 U.S. adults claim they know someone personally
who has experienced it.
Truth be told, the numbers are
probably much higher than the statistics claim, as many incidences of domestic
violence are underreported.
There are many tell-tale signs of
domestic abuse.
“If you know someone who is usually
open and she suddenly becomes quiet or withdrawn when she is around her spouse,
then that is a definite red flag,” says Lorraine Picha, the Family Advocacy
Program (FAP) manager for the USAG Stuttgart, Germany, military community.
You might see someone with a black eye or a
swollen lip. Or not.
“Some victims try to hide their
injuries with clothing or isolate themselves from others altogether,” adds
Picha. Others might not be physically abused.
As an FAP manager, Picha sees a lot
of families in bad situations, but many of the cases are not cycle-of-violence
cases, she notes.
“Most are mild to moderate abuse
situations that involve alcohol,” she says. “In many cases, alcohol coupled
with the responsibilities of being married young with children are contributing
factors.”
It’s a given that the basic
hardships of military life for some also could be contributing factors.
Frequent relocations, multiple deployments, reintegration challenges, and
dealing with new realities as a result of combat-related disabilities, PTSD,
and traumatic brain injury easily could add to anyone’s stress level.
According to NDVH, you might be in
an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
- calls you names, insults you, or constantly
criticizes you;
- shows a lack of trust;
- exhibits jealously or possessiveness;
- attempts to isolate you from friends or family;
- constantly monitors your activities;
- doesn’t want you to go to work;
- controls all the finances and/or refuses to
share money with you;
- withholds affection as punishment;
- expects you to always ask permission to do
things; or
- threatens to hurt you, other family members, or
pets.
You might be in a physically
abusive relationship if your partner ever has:
- damaged property when angry;
- pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked, or choked you;
- left you alone in a dangerous or unfamiliar
place;
- scared you by reckless driving;
- threatened or hurt you with a weapon;
- prevented you from leaving or trapped you at
home;
- hurt your children; or
- used physical force in a sexual situation.
You might be in a sexually abusive
relationship if your partner:
- views women as objects and believes in rigid
gender roles;
- accuses you of having an affair;
- is jealous of your other outside relationships;
- insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual
names;
- has ever forced sex or held you down during it;
- has demanded sex when you were sick, or tired or
after beating you;
- has used weapons or objects to hurt you during
sex;
- has involved others in sexual activities; or
- has ignored your feelings regarding sex.
Help is available for the victim and the abuser
If you suspect someone is being
abused, let him or her know you suspect something, counsels Picha.
“Let her know about the resources
available to her such as the victim advocate at the family support center or
the national hotline telephone number,” she says. Try to get her to a point
where she is willing to stop it.”
In the military community, victims often
are afraid to come forward for fear of ruining a servicemember spouse’s career.
“What victims need to understand
however, is that confidential help is available through the Victim Advocacy Program
(VAP),” says Picha.
VAP provides services such as
crisis intervention, safety planning, medical assistance, information on how to
obtain legal assistance, and referral to shelters to victims of domestic
violence and sexual assault. It is a voluntary program that works closely with
the FAP on military installations worldwide.
“A victim advocate can help you
figure out a way to stay safe and can explain the reporting options available
to you,” says Picha.
For example, with restricted
reporting no investigations are initiated unless it is determined that a life is
endangered. With unrestricted reporting, however, the servicemember’s command
is notified and an investigation is launched.
“If a victim calls the police (military
or civilian) first instead of a victim advocate, then it is automatically
considered unrestricted reporting and an investigation may ensue,” adds Picha.
Abusers also are
able to get help and sometimes are mandated to seek treatment such as individual
counseling, domestic violence support groups, or anger management classes.
“They may also
be ordered to have a psychological evaluation,” says Picha.
The abuser most likely will be
responsible for paying for treatment costs.
Important resources
National
Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual
Assault Hotline: (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
MilitaryOneSource
About the author: Janet Farley is author of two new forthcoming books, The Military Spouse’s Employment Guide: Smart Job Choices for Mobile Lifestyles (Impact Publications, 2011) and Quick Job Search for Transitioning Service Members: Seven Steps to Landing a Good Job Fast (Jist Publishing, 2012). Visit her website at www.janetfarley.com. Follow her @SmartJobChoices and @mil2civguide on Twitter.
Copyright Janet Farley and Military Officers Association of America. All rights reserved.