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Don’t Believe the Hype
Prepare yourself mentally so retirement doesn’t catch you off guard.
By Marilyn Pribus and
Col. Glenn Pribus,USAF-Ret.
When people ask my husband, Col. Glenn Pribus, USAF-Ret., how he likes retirement, he tells them, “It’s fine now, but I flunked the first year.” He says it was like going on a much-anticipated vacation, then not having anything fulfilling and worthwhile to do.
Although many military officers, like my husband, take on a second career after retirement, others don’t. In either case, most retire with at least a third of their lives ahead of them, and some have trouble facing life without the daily structure and social contacts
of the workplace.
“Military people have unique problems,” says former Air Force mental health
professional Michael A. Thuss,
MSW, now a behavioral medicine consultant with Kaiser Permanente in Sacramento, Calif.
“The military go into the civilian world from an all-encompassing environment where there’s a clear hierarchy of rank, free health care, officers clubs, and such,” Thuss observes. “It’s really a world within the world, and the change is very stressful.”
The stress factor
Thuss defines stress as “anything outside of us that causes us to have to adapt or change internally.” In other words, when you have change, stress is the expected result. And there can be many changes connected with retirement—a new town, a new relationship with a spouse, an abundance of leisure time—the list goes on.
There likely will be a period
of actual bereavement that
people don’t anticipate and
often don’t recognize.
Interestingly, change doesn’t have to be negative to cause stress. “Stress isn’t good or bad, but when you have too much,
or not enough, over time, it can be difficult,” says Thuss. Not enough stress? Well, yes. After years of mission-oriented dedication, some military retirees simply can’t find contentment with trivial activities.
Most people identify strongly with their jobs, and for many, their self-worth and focus are tied directly to what they do. Suddenly there comes a Monday when the internal reveille still sounds, but there’s nowhere to go. “Friday was the last day you did this meaningful thing you’d been doing for years,” says Thuss. “On Monday you cease to be that person.”
Finding balance
There likely will be a period of actual bereavement following retirement that people don’t anticipate and often don’t recognize. This frequently manifests as depression, anger, or insomnia. “When that work identity is gone, the emotional and psychological fallout is much more profound than most people realize,” Thuss says.
The key to preventing this and having a contented retirement is to find a sense of identity and balance in this new world. Retirees must ask: Who am I now? What is my purpose in life now? They also must find a way to balance any responsibilities that might come with their new identity.
Some people take yoga or dance classes to improve their physical balance. But balance also is required in other aspects of life—work, play, intellectual pursuits, health, personal relationships, and spiritual matters.
For most retirees, the first few months are a honeymoon with time to travel and play — they fish, play golf, or enjoy other hobbies. But the enjoyment seldom lasts. “Eventually you run out of golf,” Thuss says. “You need something that makes you more rounded.”
One answer, of course, is not to retire completely, but to seek part-time employment doing something you’ve always wanted to do. You could take this opportunity to find work that makes a positive difference but might not pay, such as mentoring a young person, tutoring in literacy, or volunteering at a hospice.
Glenn, for example, volunteers for the Senior Gleaners, a group that serves numerous food banks in the Sacramento region. He was surprised to find people working there with whom he had worked in the Air Force 10 years ago. It involves outdoor work and physical activity, and he’s even earned a forklift driving license.
There are lots of possibilities for those who are looking for part-time employment or volunteer work. To locate such opportunities, check with a local volunteer bureau or ask friends if they have anything to recommend.
Continuing education
It’s important after retirement to remain intellectually active. Many retirees return to school for training in specific skills or to polish a leisure activity such as painting, music, or creative writing. Others take foreign language classes or other courses simply because they enjoy learning, having contact with people of different ages, and discovering where new knowledge might lead.
When Glenn signed up for a boating safety course through our park district, he was recruited by a local Coast Guard Auxiliary flotilla after completing several advanced Coast Guard courses. He patrolled with them on local waterways and once went on a 10-day cruise aboard the
USCGC Alert, assisting a civilian contractor with a study of crew fatigue.
Good health
Retirement also is a logical time to assess physical, spiritual, and emotional health. People who have a few extra pounds or who aren’t exercising regularly might consider lifestyle changes. Joining a health club or gym is a good route to wellness and finding new social contacts.
Spiritual health is just as important as physical health. Many people use new free time to devote more energy to church activities or to explore other roads to spirituality, such as meditation.
Another key to a successful retirement is good psychological health. “A lot of people work very hard and stay very busy to avoid interior issues,” Thuss says. “Suddenly, with a lot of free time, you climb up into your mind and do a lot of stewing and chewing.”
For instance, Thuss says, a man in his 70s who still is angry with his 95-year-old father could benefit from forgiving and forgetting. “Talk to someone to resolve issues and free yourself to have a better retirement,” Thuss urges.
All in the family
Col. Walter Schumm, USAR-Ret., a family studies professor at Kansas State University, observes that normal family friction with children, and especially with a partner, might escalate after retirement.
“Spouses may resent
the intrusion into what had become their normal space. There’s
a definite period of adjustment.”
— Col. Walter Schumm, USAR-Ret.
“The time together may represent an increase over what you had become accustomed to,” he says. “Spouses may resent the intrusion into what had become their normal space. There’s a definite period of adjustment.”
In the past, this repositioning probably occurred after lengthy tour-of-duty separations; in retirement, it can be even more intense.
Couples often have developed a daily routine they follow and a set way of doing things. Now that routine is upset. Further, the military member often is coming from an on-the-job position of authority and control and no longer has that control.
“Instead, [the retired spouse’s focus might shift to the] relationship—a perpetual, never-ending series of compromises where you spend time and emotional energy cutting a deal. It can be extremely stressful,” Thuss says. Of course, not all couples have trouble, but spouses must adjust to new roles, and the gender issue can complicate matters.
“It’s that Venus-Mars thing,” Thuss says. “Men like to fix things. They want to go at a problem fast, solve it, and be done with it. Women, on the other hand, like to circle issues to resolve conflict and make peace.” Neither process is wrong, but they are not always compatible, and unless spouses understand that, conflict is virtually inevitable.
Glenn and I pursue some activities together and others separately, and that really works for us. If you do everything independently, you tend to grow apart. On the other hand, if you do everything together, there’s nothing to talk about at dinner. Remember, it’s all about balance.
Plan ahead
Many problems can be minimized or preempted simply by knowing what to expect and planning ahead. Thuss regularly presents preretirement seminars for civilians who are two years from retirement. Individuals in the military can start their own planning, too, he says, and the earlier the better.
“It’s such a major change that the ability to prepare and plan for it can’t be overemphasized,” Thuss says. The very best approach, he says, is to retire not from something but to something.
The best advice is to take time to do some reconnaissance while you’re still working. Listen to people who have retired successfully, and slow down long enough to really hear them. Retirement is the best time of all, so make sure you enjoy it.
If you anticipate a potential sense of loss and forestall it by replacing work with balance in your life and personal relationships, retirement can be a wonderful adventure.
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