Gooney Bird Shuffle
The Laysan Albatross is among the largest of all flying birds, with a wingspan of 11 feet or more. The bird is incredibly graceful in flight, but be careful if it asks you to dance.

In November 1960, the Navy destroyer USS Marshall arrived at Midway NAS for refueling and supply replenishment. A critical spare part for one of the ship’s radars had been flown to Midway the day before.

A young electronics technician named Roy was detailed to go to the supply office to pick up the spares. Roy had never been to Midway, so I offered to show him where supply was.

On the way across the flat island terrain, we encountered a gooney bird. The gooney bird (more formally, the Laysan Albatross) is best described as a seagull whose growth hormones have gone berserk. A full-grown gooney bird, face-to-face with a human, can be downright intimidating.

Gooney birds in flight are unbelievably graceful, but on land they are comically awkward and clumsy. Roy, who had seen gooney birds flying for the first time a few days previously, watched this one sort of stumble toward us and exclaimed, “What the hell is that thing?”

“Just a gooney bird,” I replied.

“No way! Gooney birds are graceful. And besides, this thing is big!”

I assured him that this was indeed a gooney bird and that they really are that big and clumsy. Then the gooney bird, looking right at Roy, began a strange series of movements. One leg went out to the side, and he put his weight on that foot; a moment later, the other leg repeated the movement as he began bobbing his head.

Roy, who liked to spontaneously play the clown, repeated the maneuver — doing, I thought, a remarkably apt mirror image. However, I had to warn him, “I wouldn’t do that, Roy.”

“Why are you such a stick-in-the-mud, Chief? I’m just having a little fun.”

“Roy, it really isn’t a good idea,” I warned again.

About this time, the gooney bird, who was continuing his stumbling dance, began spreading his wings to their full 11-foot span. Roy, getting into the spirit of things, spread out his arms and started dancing  a bit more quickly, laughing all the while.

“Roy, that’s a ... .” I was interrupted by a sudden change in the gooney bird’s dance — still shambling, he now rapidly moved forward. Roy, realizing his personal space was being invaded, started moving backward, but couldn’t retreat as fast as the bird was advancing. Choosing discretion over valor, Roy turned his back and began running back the way we came, calling out in a desperate voice, “Chief, why’s he chasing me?”

“I was trying to tell you, Roy. That gooney bird shuffle is a mating dance!”
 

— Dave Bartholomew is a retired Navy captain. He lives in Bothell, Wash..