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Countdown to R-day
The two keys to adjusting to
retirement are thoughtful planning and realistic expectations.
By Don Vaughan
Nancy Schlossberg, doctor of education and professor emeritus at the
University of Maryland, once interviewed a husband and wife who,
shortly after the husband’s retirement, had a screaming fight in a
grocery store about which brand of cereal to buy.
“This was a traditional family in which the husband worked and the wife
took care of the home, and she had always done all the shopping,”
Schlossberg explains. “But the husband had retired and had nothing
better to do, so he started going shopping with her, and suddenly
they found themselves fighting over things that were never important
before. They said that when they heard themselves fighting over
cereal, they realized they needed help.”
Although the situation this couple found themselves in might seem
extreme, people planning for retirement shouldn’t underestimate the
effect it can have on their lives. Careful planning can alleviate
some of the stressors associated with this life change.
Big changes
“Retirement is usually not one transition, but a series of
transitions,” says Schlossberg, author of Retire Smart, Retire
Happy: Finding Your True Path in Life (APA LifeTools, 2003),
“Often transitions are bundled together. You’re retiring, sometimes
you’re moving—there is a whole host of things that can happen.”
Our occupations often define our place in society and
retirement can erase that status, leading to an erosion of
self-esteem.
Anxiety about retirement can spring from a variety of issues,
Schlossberg notes. One of the most common is loss of personal
identity. Our occupations often define our place in society and
retirement can erase that status, leading to an erosion of
self-esteem.
A second source of anxiety is the loss of workplace camaraderie.
“Suddenly a person facing retirement has to replace those work
colleagues, and that’s not easy to do,” Schlossberg says. This can
be particularly problematic for men whose lives have revolved around
work and whose spouses primarily have been homemakers.
“Men [facing retirement] need to start developing friendships with
other men if they haven’t yet, because their wives probably have
spent a lifetime nurturing their own relationships,” says Dr. Alice
Rubenstein, a licensed psychologist and fellow of the American
Psychological Association who practices in Pittsford, N.Y. “The
retired husband is now ready to do things together, but his wife has
all these friends to see and relate to.”
The third most common source of anxiety among those ramping up for
retirement is a loss of meaning in life. “Even if you don’t like
every aspect of your job, at least you feel involved,” says
Schlossberg. “I recently spoke with a man who said that he felt
useless when he retired. He eventually applied for and got a
part-time job. It was not at the level of the job he retired from,
but it gave him a new purpose in life, a place to go in the
morning.”
Take care of yourself
Those who look forward to retirement count the days with a happy
heart. But men and women who dread it suddenly might experience a
variety of health problems, including depression, anxiety, and
insomnia. Many try to cope by self-medicating with alcohol or drugs,
which only makes the problem worse.
“You’re going to be at sea for a while as you figure out
where you fit in and what your roles are going to be.”
— Nancy Schlossberg,
doctor of education and
professor emeritus at the University of Maryland
“People will try anything not to face what’s coming, because they
don’t know how to address it,” says Rubenstein. “We all fear change.
Inherently, change is scary. And the more drastic the change and the
less prepared we are for it, the more vulnerable we are to
depression and anxiety.” Ignoring the changes retirement brings
won’t make the fear go away. A better approach, say Schlossberg and
Rubenstein, is to face the challenge head-on by preparing for it as
early as possible.
“The transition from a very structured environment to an unknown
takes time,” Schlossberg says. “You’re leaving an established set of
rules and routines and an established set of relationships, and
you’re going to be at sea for a while as you figure out where you
fit in and what your roles are going to be. That period can last
from two to three years.”
Rubenstein agrees, and suggests you begin planning for your
retirement at least a year before your retirement date. Carefully
evaluate what you want out of retirement—travelling, perfecting a
hobby or learning a new one, or spending time with family and
friends—and how to make those goals a reality.
One of the most common pitfalls new retirees fall into, Schlossberg
says, is rushing into retirement without really thinking ahead.
Moving to Arizona, for example, might seem like a good idea if
you’ve spent your whole life in colder climes, but it can be a
logistical nightmare if you’ve never been there before, have no
friends or contacts, and don’t know what to expect.
“Give yourself time, and don’t rush into anything just to stay
busy,” Schlossberg says. “Staying busy is important, but give
yourself time to get it together. I suggest creating a game plan in
advance so you’ll know exactly what you’re going to do on the first
day and the first week of your retirement.”
Family matters
Remember, too, that retirement involves your entire family, not just
you. Without proper planning, retirement can have a disastrous
effect on spousal and family relationships.
“Talk through impending changes,
shifts in responsibility, and changes in finances.”
— Dr. Alice Rubenstein, licensed psychologist
“I have just three words of advice: talk, talk, and talk,” says
Rubenstein. “Among married couples, there often has been a
well-choreographed dance that has worked for years, and now you’re
going to change the step. The person who is retiring wants his or
her partner to suddenly adjust, but that’s not reasonable. So it
becomes very important to talk through impending changes, shifts in
responsibility, and changes in finances.”
Rubenstein also suggests you keep the rest of your family in mind,
too. Many new retirees see their newfound freedom as an opportunity
to spend more time with their children but don’t consider that their
children might be entering one of the busiest times of their lives
with work and family. “Retirees may feel rejected or unwanted
because they fail to understand that just because their lives have
shifted doesn’t mean other people’s lives are in the same
transitional phase,” she says.
In extreme cases, such as that of the couple who fought about
cereal, retirement can cause a previously harmonious marriage to
explode. Even if you’re not yelling at each other in the grocery
store, you should pay attention to problems caused by retirement and
act quickly to resolve them. Schlossberg interviewed a couple who
admitted that after retirement the stress of being around each other
24 hours a day started to take a heavy toll on their relationship.
To ease the transition and save their marriage, they each got a
part-time job, which kept them out of each other’s hair. After two
years, Schlossberg says, they both were able to stop working,
because they had renegotiated their relationship.
“If relationships go bad
as a result of retirement,
I strongly suggest getting counseling,” Schlossberg says. “Also,
talk to others who are in the same boat and find out how they
have coped.”
“If relationships go bad as a result of retirement, I strongly
suggest getting counseling,” Schlossberg says. “Also, talk to others
who are in the same boat and find out how they have coped. ... If
you’re in the armed services, get the names of a few people who
retired before you and talk to them. See what they went through and
what tips they can offer. Learn from those who have gone before
you.”
Rubenstein agrees: “People who have retired over the past five to 10
years are your greatest source of information,” she says. “They can
tell you what they did or didn’t do that helped them. Take their
advice and learn from their mistakes.”
Most importantly, as “R-Day” draws near, don’t buy into the old myth
that retirement automatically means lonely days sitting in front the
television. Evaluate your options and find meaningful ways to spend
your time.
“There are many people who work in retirement or volunteer their
time to stay busy,” Schlossberg says. “Above all, people need to
stay involved and active. That’s what makes retirement successful.”
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